Star Wars: Episode Hoochie

6 03 2004

This morning Jacob plugged in the Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones DVD. Of all the SW installments, this one begs for ridicule. So, here’s my version:

Setting: Having survived an assassination attempt, Senator Padme is whisked away from her home base to be transported to a safe haven. Obi Wan Kenobi, obviously having short-circuited his connection to the force and abandoned all common sense, sends the hormonal Anakin along as her protector. The two young hotties find themselves alone amidst various picture-postcard surroundings, where their forbidden love can blossom unchaperoned. The following scene takes place in a dimly lit, cozy room with plush furnishings and a romantic fire crackling in the fireplace.

Anakin: I know you want me. You wouldn’t be dressed like a streetwalker if you didn’t.

Padme: No, Anakin. I may look like a seductress, but these are just the latest fashions from Abercrombie Planet. I’m a senator. I, like, make laws and stuff. So, it’s impossible.

Anakin: Nothing is impossible. For Pete’s sake, we’re all alone at this posh resort with all the champagne and caviar we could ever want. The script writers set us up for this. It’s destiny.

Padme: Oh. Okay then. I’m down with that. But please stop the excessive emoting. This dialogue is bad enough without your whiny adolescent interpretation.

Anakin: It’s Obi Wan’s fault. He’s holding me back.

Padme: Whatever.


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16 responses

6 03 2004
allenb

Star Wars Episode II: The special edition

Now see? If George Lucas had had the sense to hire you as a writer, there wouldn’t be so many disenfranchised Star Wars fans out there right now, calling for his head!!

6 03 2004
jeannedamoff

Scene 19: Padme’s Pimple Crisis

Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately?), my version would have been much more Space Balls and much less Star Wars. But thanks for the vote of confidence! You have my permission to put in a good word for me with George Lucas any time. :o)

EZ

8 03 2004
wordgeek

LOL! Now you should post that to The Door. It’s hilarious!

8 03 2004
jeannedamoff

Thanks, Chris! :o) Maybe I will. Are their guidelines online?

EZ

8 03 2004
wordgeek

Yep. Here’s the link. Door Writer’s Guidelines.

A few suggestions:

1. It needs to be longer.

2. It will probably have to have some kind of religious slant to be considered by the editorial board. Maybe compare it to Song of Solomon or something like that.

3. You might focus on the release of “Episode 3”, kind of a sneak-peak. This will allow you to make up most of it and make it even more over-the-top.

This was really funny. Lots of potential. These movies have not been made fun of enough. 🙂

8 03 2004
wordgeek

Oh, I forgot. Tell Jacob “Hi!” for us. I really miss that guy sometimes.

8 03 2004
jeannedamoff

Aw, thanks! I will.

8 03 2004
jetpacknomad

That was great! I showed it to Dan, and diehard SW fan that he is, he even laughed.

I was actually in the process of writing a parody of Episode II a while back. I set it in Elizabethan England. But I (thankfully?) forgot a lot of the plot, so my writing came to a standstill. I’ll have to post what little I wrote on my journal sometime.

8 03 2004
wordgeek

What plot? 🙂

8 03 2004
jetpacknomad

In anticipation of this comment, I have a prefabricated witty response ready: O dear! I just forgot what it was. Nevermind.

8 03 2004
Anonymous

Wonderful, wonderful…

Lovely, quite lovely… If I was less sane I would ask you to do another for the kiss scene… but I think the dialog is bad enough all by itself and needs nothing to make it worse.

You are odd.

8 03 2004
jeannedamoff

You’re right

I am odd. Nice to meet you!

Thanks for the compliments.

8 03 2004
jeannedamoff

By my troth, kind sir, I fain would peruse such drollery!

Yay! I’m so glad you both enjoyed it. Bring on the Elizabethan version.

10 03 2004
ljadministrator

I like this so very much. It reminds me of peas.

Carry on and tally-ho!

11 03 2004
jeannedamoff

Yay! Jesse, I’m glad you’re on LJ . . . and an administrator, no less! La de da.

“Peas” is exactly what I was going for. SCORE!

EZZZZZ

11 03 2004
ljadministrator

My sentiments exactly… all except for the sentiment of “OMG! Jesse is such a hottie!!” that’s going through your head right now I’m sure. Good times.

Your comments are a gift. Please know I read each one with gratitude.

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