That really sucks.

21 11 2007

Jacob loves to vacuum. It’s a hobby that fits well with his obsessive need to dispose of “trash,” no matter how microscopic it may be. A thread. An eyelash. One lint molecule. On the mornings that he’s home, at some point he will inevitably stand in the living room and announce that he needs the vacuum cleaner. George and I usually can’t see any reason why, but it’s good exercise for Jacob and makes him happy. Sometimes for hours.

We usually give him the small cannister-type vacuum cleaner. It’s the most maneuverable and least likely to mar furniture or knock Jacob off balance. We don’t put any of the various brushes or nozzles on the end of the hose attachment. He just places the open hose on each bit of dust or fuzz or microbe and sucks those babies into oblivion.

A couple of weeks ago, though, George happened to glance Jacob’s way just in time to see him placing the end of the hose on his tongue.

“Jacob!”

He startled.

“What are you doing?!”

“I had something on my tongue.”

“Well, go rinse your mouth then. But don’t place that nasty vacuum hose on your tongue. You’ll make yourself sick.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Just please don’t do that again.”

“Okay.”

As usual, this morning Jacob announced his need for the vacuum cleaner. George inspected the rug and agreed that, yes, there were two tiny foreign objects there. So he got out the cannister vac and plugged her in.

We’re used to the music of the vacuum cleaner around here. It’s one of the common sound tracks of our lives, and we tend to lose track of time when it’s playing. As Jacob worked his way around the room with his hose, George took the phone outside to call his dad and water flowerbeds. I went about my usual morning routine of checking blogs, working the crossword puzzle, etc. After a while, though, I realized Jacob had probably been at it for almost an hour. Plenty of time to eliminate the offending atoms of fuzz. I looked into the living room just as Jacob stuck the hose against his nostril!

“Jacob!”

He startled.

“What are you doing?!”

Silence.

“Do you have something in your nose?”

“Yeah.”

We went through the basics on why vacuum cleaner hoses aren’t considered one of the better methods of hygiene again, and then I quickly surveyed his work, declared the rug spotless, and stashed the vacuum cleaner back in the closet.

I guess we’ll have to pay more attention in the future. Meanwhile, one thing’s for sure. If you think you lost something at my house, you’re on your own digging through the contents of that vacuum cleaner bag.


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12 responses

21 11 2007
Anonymous

Oh, Jeanne. You make me laugh so hard!
I do have to admit: I’ve vacuumed the bottom of my foot when I didn’t want to drag the dirt on my newly cleaned carpet.
Heather G.

21 11 2007
allenb

Say what you will, but it IS effective. 😉

Happy Thanksgiving!

22 11 2007
Anonymous

That cracked me up too. All I can say is, I’ve paid a doctor to suction out my sinuses. I’m guessing Jacob would be a lot cheaper.

Jen T.

22 11 2007
Anonymous

Hmmm

So, you and Jacob are coming to visit when? Not that I’d want him to, y’know, get bored and need to vacuum or anything. 😉

Zane put the vacuum hose in his mouth once. Ick.

He also covered his entire body in Scooby Doo band-aids. He came crying to me when he couldn’t get the one wrapped around his penis off.

~mich

22 11 2007
spaghettipie

Re: Hmmm

Okay, Jeanne’s post made me laugh, but mich’s comment made me roll on the floor. I sure hope Zane is in the single digits, age-wise!

23 11 2007
jeannedamoff

I live to make you laugh, Heather. My work is done here.

Vacuuming the bottom of one’s foot makes perfect sense. The nostril, however . . .

Guess what music is playing as I type? Cannister Vac Etude in A minor (with Rich Mullins’ “The Just Shall Live by Faith” accompaniment on the stereo. Jacob is singing along while he vacuums. It’s really not a bad gig.)

23 11 2007
jeannedamoff

And the obvious question is, “How would you know?”

I hope you had a splendid Thanksgiving, too!

23 11 2007
jeannedamoff

I don’t know, Jen. Some money is well spent. When it comes to suctioning boogers, I’d go with the trained professional. However, if you decide to hire Jacob and his cannister vac next time, do you mind if I sell tickets?

23 11 2007
jeannedamoff

Re: Hmmm

Oh, my. I don’t even know what to say, Michelle. Bless his, um, . . . heart?

23 11 2007
Anonymous

Re: Hmmm

He was two when it happened. LOL

It was so very difficult not to laugh at him, he was pretty hysterical.

~mich

23 11 2007
allenb

ain’t tellin’!

23 11 2007
jaezesse

mz,

C-baby and I read your post and laughed heartily. Jacob is so dear. Please post this sort of anecdote more often! I love it!

G

Your comments are a gift. Please know I read each one with gratitude.

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